that didn’t go as planned

So it’s almost 3 in the morning and by the time I finish, it’ll be after 3. I’ve had a sister and nephew visiting for the past couple of days. And while it’s really been nice having them here (they’ve been a huge help with things around the house), it’s been difficult to get writing in when I’ve wanted to. I don’t blame them by any means, but it’s proving to me that I need to be more diligent.

While together, we’ve played games, visited with other siblings, and picked out doors for my new house. This afternoon (now yesterday) we even did yoga together, with the help of a second sister bringing in a few yoga mats. The dogs even joined in.

It has been a challenging five and a half years, and getting to the point of which I want and need to be around people again has been a struggle, but I am so grateful that I’ve gotten here. Losing Jamie and the future that we planned together has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever gone through. And over the last 68 months, even getting out of bed has been daunting. So to be in a place where I am making an effort to build a new future, I couldn’t be more pleased.

I’m sure it sounds strange to most people that I am pleased or that I could even be grateful after losing such a large part of my life, but I am. Jamie always made it a point to take care of me and my daughter. He bought the house we are in now and established such an incredible foundation for us to grow from. The future we planned of a few more kids and growing old together will not happen, but I will be diligent in making the best of the future that lies ahead.

One day, I will leave this house and thank Jamie for all that he did to make this our home. And when my daughter and I do, it will be us discovering our new future.

We all have things in our lives that can and have completely derailed us from what we thought was going to happen. But I hope that one day, maybe it’ll be 68 months from now, you will find a way to rediscover your future.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

-Eleanor Roosevelt

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